증조 할머니, 미안 해요. 사랑 해요. 보고 싶어요.

seeing that thin line on the monitor showing me that my great grandma's heart had stopped beating is not how they depict in movies at all. the movies didn't prepare me for the helplessness, regret, sorrow, and disbelief i felt when my great grandmother's small and aged hand didn't squeeze back when i held it. how is it that a heart so big and strong could stop beating just like that?

im angry. i was there and she was alive. her eyes were open. her chest was moving up and down. the monitor showed that her heart was still beating. i thought i had more time. even then, i should have told her how much i loved her, how much i would miss her. but then, i came back two hours later to doctors trying to revive a lifeless body. i should have spent those last two hours talking to her. she coudnt respond but she would have heard me. i was stupid and careless for thinking i had more time. now she'll never know and ill always regret it.

im sad. i wish i spent more time with her. i wish i could take back every time i ignored her nagging about how short my shorts were. i wish i took her out to lunch one last time. i wish i knew how little time i had left with her, then i would have visited her more. i wish i got to thank her for raising me...for being there for me when my own father wasn't there. i wish i could thank her for leading me to Christ and taking me to church when i was a kid even though i fussed and yelled and complained for hours every Sunday morning. there was so much i didnt get to tell her.

there was so much more to learn from her. so many questions i still wanted to ask. but i didnt know she was gonna leave so soon.

증조 할머니,

미안 해요. 사랑 해요. 보고 싶어요.

a dream is just a dream

in my dream, the ground beneath me did not tremble. in my dream, the shelves of my heart did not shake and were stable and the books were neatly tucked away in their places. but when i woke up, i found myself still stuck in the center of the hurricane of pages.

and now the pages are so thick, that no one can see me or hear me at all. all they see is the big messy hurricane of a life and move on to more pleasant things to look at. but i do not blame them at all. even i can no longer stand to look at the mess because it makes me too dizzy. all i can do is pray for more dreams where the ground does not tremble and the shelves are stable and the books are still books neatly tucked away in their places.